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People are waiting to start dating mature married women on this website all day long. If so, an image of ourselves as worthy and lovable is reflected back to us, and we begin to integrate it into a positive self-image.

Children who lack this reflection experience heartbreak and grieve alone, because the adults they would normally share their inner worlds with are the very people they feel hurt by. Olld adults, many of them end up in marriages that resemble their childhood. Perhaps without realizing it, you sought out what felt familiar to you from your childhood—the pain of feeling helpless and alone.

Early on, when the sexual problems became apparent, how did you and your husband talk about them? Sexual issues can stem from so many causes: health problems, stress, poor communication, medication side effects, a history of abuse, trauma, negative body image—and all of these are tangled up with feelings a person has around being wanted and loved, and feeling connected to someone else.

As you think back to how these interactions went, do you feel that you were a true partner in working through this issue together, or did you feel so personally injured, so much like the helpless victim in this story, that you framed this as something that your husband needed to work out alone? Was your therapist truly suggesting that you deceive your husband with a covert affair, or rather that you talk with him about the possibility of opening up the marriage and see if the two of you might find a different way forward?

Instead, you unilaterally decided to direct all of your sexual and emotional energy outside the marriage, making it even harder for your husband to connect with you on any level. So how do you handle heartbreak that is a secret?

You take away the secrecy. Meanwhile, your husband may not know about your affair or he may know more than you imagine, prompting his marrled search across the countrybut as much as you feel his distance from you, surely he senses your distance from him. No matter what you come to decide, remember that a marriage, like a broken heart, is healed from the inside, not the outside.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.